Hong Kong bound. You speak English, the passengers speak Cantonese... No problem!

After a particularity rough day, two months into my life 'on the line' as a flight attendant, I arrived in the crew lounge to find my roommate. When I say roommate I don't mean someone I shared a house/apartment with, I literally mean  roommate!  Michelle, my roommate & I shared an over priced room together in Toronto for a year. Through the up's and down's of training, being no-show's on some of our first flights, to having seemingly crazy fellow 'flighty' housemates. We went through it all together, and thank God we had each other! So, after bumping into each other in the crew lounge, we started exchanging stories about our respective days as we simultaneously checked our emails and the available trips for the next day. We both had fairly standard days for new flight attendants, you know, still so in training mode that you think every little thing is about to become an emergency situation. After finishing up on the computers, the conversation headed toward food and we realized we both hadn't eaten for a good portion of the day. So, we decided to go over to the employee cafeteria before heading home. As we grabbed our bags and headed for the door, we came face to face with another good friend *Steve. We hadn't seen him in so long and had so much to catch up on, so we told him to come with us to the employee cafeteria! 
Once we were all gathered with our food and our bags parked beside each other, we started to compare stories of trips. Steve was an amazing storyteller and just had a way of making every mundane situation sound glamourous and drama filled. Michelle on the other hand was so quiet, and told stories in a completely unassuming way and had no idea how hilarious they actually were. 

For example, Michelle began to tell us about a recent layover in London she had. Michelle found herself with a couple of our mutual gay male friends and ended up hanging out in SoHO. After bouncing around from a restaurant to a couple of of different pubs they ended up at G A Y (for those of you not familiar... huge, popular(?) gay club in London). Once there, she was almost instantly ditched by our friends and left to drink and dance by herself, with a ton of unfamiliar, great looking gay men! After her first drink she hit the dance floor, and after a couple of minutes was approached by a guy who started dancing with her until, seconds later when he lost interest and walked away. Michelle felt a little bummed, but not enough to keep her from dancing. A little while later, still dancing, michelle felt someone blow really hard into her ear and turned around quickly. A second guy was standing just inches from her, he pointed to himself , then to her and mimed to her that he wanted to dance. So they started to dance together, until he eventually walked away as well. As she stood there confused, guy #1 came back and started to shake it with her again. This time they're having fun and smiling until he leans forward and grabs her breasts with two hands and walks away. Michelle stood there on the middle of the dance floor shell shocked, until she felt a blast of wind in her other ear! When she turned around, there was guy #2, he was back for more! He pointed to himself again and then to her and again mimed that he wanted to dance. So again, they start to dance together, and in her head Michelle was reeling! What just happened? When guy #2 walked away yet again. Annoyed, rejected, and a little disturbed she made her way back to the bar where she found one of the guys she arrived with. 
"Where have you been??" she asked him. He told her he had just been dancing around the place. At that point Michelle began to explain what just happened on the dance floor and he laughed. Michelle let him know that she wanted to get going soon, since it was so late. He informed her that she would have to find  her own way back, because he wanted to stay out for a couple more hours. So now, worried about getting  back to the hotel by herself and a little pissed at being ditched (but wanting to leave all the same) Michelle went to find the restroom before leaving. She circled the club 3 or 4 times without luck. 'Could this place not have a restroom?' She wondered. Then she spotted a narrow stairwell and entered it, not knowing where it lead to. As she started going down, two men draped over each other were coming up. Michelle asked the two clearly inebriated men if she was on the right path to the ladies washroom. One of them looked up at her and in a very strong british accent said "F$*k off LESSSbian! We are going to have SeX!" and pushed past her in the stairwell. Totally dejected, Michelle started to cry and grabbed a taxi towards the hotel.
As Michelle wraps up her story with "... isn't that awful? What a terrible night... I'm not even a lesbian!" Steve and I looked at each other and doubled over laughing. That was the the most random hilarious night either of us had heard about in a long time. Michelle started to smile and admits to it's randomness.

Don't know if Steve's passengers were as happy as this couple?!

Steve then piped up and starts telling us of his many trips all over the world. I ask about the infamous 15 hour long trip to Hong Kong, and if he's had one yet. He tells me "Oh God Yes! And Honey... it was Awful! I'll never do it again! I felt so awful from being in the plane for so long and so jet lagged- I just wanted to die!" Oh! I had been so looking forward to getting  one of those trips to see Asia for the first time, now I wasn't so sure! He told us in long detail how the flight just seems to go on forever, and the never ending amount of services knocks the wind out of your sails! He went on to say how, on the flight back after an awful sleep and not having eaten very much on his layover he was extremely cranky. The last two hours of the flight were absolutely tortuous. After 13 previous hours of trying to bridge the communication gap between Cantonese and English to guess what passengers want to drink from the beverage cart he was fed up, and according to him, went crazy. Talking loudly to the passengers who didn't understand him, his eye twitching, he would ask, "Anything to drink?" and they would respond but he couldn't make out what they had said. So he started making random beverages and giving them to any passenger in his path, as they stared at him completely confused. "Here you go! You look like a coffee drinker- a coffee for you sir!" 
".... And you young lady, look like you want an apple juice- there you are! ... and the three of you...? I think you'll enjoy a refreshing Coke!". He went row by row with a high pitch insane giggle as he poured random drinks for for all the passengers and all they could do was stare up, back at him confused. Even going along talking to himself, seeing as the passengers didn't understand him. "Would you like anything to drink? ... Oh! That's right, you don't understand me... and you can't tell me what you want!" "Oooh! this actually looks delicious! don't mind if I take a sip do you?" before handing the drink to the passenger. We stared at him, wide eyed. "You didn't!" we cried out in unison. We both couldn't believe what we were hearing. "Darling, I had lost it! I was delusional from lack of oxygen & sleep! If I heard 'Co-Hee', for a can of Sprite one more time- I was gonna put a chop stick in my eye!". He stares at us dead pan as we collapse into laughter at the idea of about 300 poor Mandarin & Cantonese speaking passengers staring up at Steve while he gave out drinks of his choice to them and they looked on helplessly!


Sometimes things have a tendency to get lost in translation at 35,000 Ft!

Young stew, Old stew, a Thong and a Hanger! My Sophomore Blog

So the title's a bit funny right?! Nothing compared to the story behind it...

About two years ago, I remember running across the terminal in Vancouver B.c. with a warm sandwich in one hand and a Starbucks Latte in the other. I had to change crews and planes, get across the terminal and grab something to eat in under 25 Minutes. The first part of the day started off a bit rough. I was doing a Vancouver turn out of Toronto. It was one of those days... no time for breakfast in the a.m., and having realized that I had undoubtedly forgot my lunch at the crash pad because of the ungodly hour in which I had to be at the airport to check in. (Obviously, right?! ) ... After 5-1/2 hours crossing the country in a plane, I was starving!! Craving a "warm-ish" meal, normally, I would do the classic Sushi run in Vancouver. Instead I decided to stop at the only place that didn't have a long line and served something warm... Subway! So I grab my chicken on brown and hightailed it back to the plane before boarding started without me. Then I see the sign for Starbucks...Oooh boy! I reason with myself that I do have another 5 hours until I get back to Toronto and I could really do with the caffeine boost. So wild-eyed I jumped in the line for Starbucks and freak out the Barista/cashier when I speak faster then her and her "jacked up on caffeine" colleagues normally do. I grabbed my order and start sprinting to the boarding gate. I get onboard to find the in-charge, a male in his 40's, good looking, and a stunning "stew". This Stew was probably in her early 60's but looked like she was from the 60's. Very stylish, very glam... took a lot of pride in her appearance but without looking like Joan Rivers. I introduce myself to both of them and realize the type of aircraft we are on; an A320. We're missing someone!? I tell the in-charge through bites of my sandwich how worried I was about being late, but I can see now I'm not the last one to get on. He tells me that *Laura will be back soon and that she just ran to get herself a coffee "Laura's not in a very good mood..." he adds. The stunning stew and in-charge look at each other, asking the other with squinted eyes if they should take me into their confidence. Finally the in-charge says "Their was a little incident with *Bonnie and Laura on the flight in", he says slowly. "It was hardly an incident" Bonnie grumbles under her breath. The in-charge continues; "Laura was working in business and Bonnie came up to help her give out papers and hang coats...". Bonnie jumps up "I was just trying to help for goodness sakes!! I was going around and collecting coats to hang up and to make my life easier I was carrying the hangers and tags with me. Laura came out of the galley to offer headsets and as I walked back to the closet with a coat laura dropped a headset and bent over to pick it up. I didn't even know what had happened until she started screaming 'STOP STOP don't move.... OUCH!' ".

Turns out that as Laura bent over to pick up the runaway headset she exposed, to the whole first class cabin (over the top of her pants), a giant waistband to a Pink thong. As Bonnie was passing she accidentally hooked her, yes "her", as in her thong and kept walking toward the closet causing Laura to scream out in pain and Bonnie to wonder what the heck was going on. When Bonnie looked down, she was mortified. She unhooked her hanger and looked up toward the passengers in the cabin to see if anyone had noticed. Had they noticed? They all sat there staring agog. The pair of flight attendants, beet red, stood there paralyzed. Laura took off to hide herself in the galley while Bonnie slid back down the aisle muttering "... simple mistake..." and "...who the hell wears those things anyway...?"

As Bonnie finishes up telling me about this hilarious tragedy, I sit there with my mouth hanging open but before I can utter a single word or question, Laura walks onboard white paper cup in hand. She looks rabid. She eyes me, takes a sip of her coffee, and walks toward the group. Bonnie stares at the floor. The atmosphere felt like when two people have a steamy one night 'rendez-vous' and one does not call the day after... or for years. I stand there wondering if I should break the silence by introducing myself. I open my mouth but no words come out. Now I'm standing there frozen with my mouth half open and I look semi-retarded. Bonnie speaks... we all wish she hadn't. "Do you... do you always wear that kind.. well type of underwear??" Her innocent curiosity makes me almost spit-laugh.

Hmmmmm, welcome to the age gap at 35,000 ft!

Next blog : Hong Kong bound. You speak English, the passengers speak Cantonese... No problem!

*Names have been made up, not to hide the actual peoples identity... but just because I don't remember their real ones!

1st blog... be gentle!

*I've been thinking a lot about blogging recently. Actually it's a persistent, all consuming thought that won't get out of my head. Hopefully I will be able to relieve this annoyance today by jotting down a couple of thoughts.*

I've been reading a lot of fellow flight attendant blogs recently, and it seems like it's all the same stuff, "10 Amazing packing tips!" "People who try to score a seat in 1st class!" "How to easily and efficiently navigate an international airport!" "Bizzar-o Passengers!!" and more. And while I, like everyone else, would love to know the oh so magical secret of packing the perfect bag (which according to one news paper article is by starting off wrapping your underwear around something solid like a cosmetics kit and then progressively adding other articles of clothing such as t-shirts, sweaters and finally pants to the now humungous distended roll, and finally putting said bulky roll of fabric in your suitcase. Can you imagine how colossal that roll would be if you were going on a trip for 3 weeks?! The newspaper article points out, that the one design flaw with this idea is that if before you reach your destination, you need to retrieve any article of the clothing it my be "slightly complicated.") and I, along with my fellow blogging F/A's also detest the presumptuous, cheeky people who try to smooth talk us into a plushier seat then the one they paid half the price for, think that sometimes the guy with the "back problem", or the couple on their "honeymoon", aren't all bad guys!

I also find myself pouring over these so called "guides" and "tips" to navigating gigantic airports/customs/and security when really, isn't it as simple as following the "Claim baggage" signs to find the exit. Declaring ALL your cigarettes and wine, from encountering a nasty customs agent with a rubber glove. And taking off your belts and shoes and grinning through clenched teeth as the obese airport security guard gingerly taps your bottom with his metal detector??! Finally, when it comes to "Bizzar-o passengers" I don't need to read and therefore re-live other people's unimaginable nightmares of dealings with other so called humans! I've experienced way to many of these scenarios of my own! Seems harsh, I know, but how else do you suggest I classify a so called "evolved human life form" who in a drunken stupor, falls asleep and precedes to urinate all over himself, soaking the seat, the seatbelt and the carpet all around him?

No. You know what? These stories, blogs and guides posted on blogs by my fellow F/A's are great. They are witty, cheeky, unassuming and almost always completely truthful. I just feel that maybe they can get redundant? I, on the other hand would "j'adore" (as commonly used by my bff Michelle and myself) to take you on a literary adventure of similar comic strengths featuring however, a different subject in point other then the "fill in the blank-adjective" passenger, and instead replacing them for a different case in point... The Cabin Crew themselves!

On an average day I fly with 5-6 different people. Many of whom I've never met before and will most likely never meet again. Potentially once a month I come across maybe one looney passenger. On the flip side, almost everyday that I go to work I come across another "stew" who is a piece of work!

Now, come along my little pasajeros as i take you on a fun-filled undertaking of the world that is 35,000 feet over your head, ruled by lunatics of the finest proportions!

Stay tuned to my next blog that will be entitled "Young stew, Old stew, a Thong and a Hanger!" Buckle up, we may experience some moderate turbulence!