Young stew, Old stew, a Thong and a Hanger! My Sophomore Blog

So the title's a bit funny right?! Nothing compared to the story behind it...

About two years ago, I remember running across the terminal in Vancouver B.c. with a warm sandwich in one hand and a Starbucks Latte in the other. I had to change crews and planes, get across the terminal and grab something to eat in under 25 Minutes. The first part of the day started off a bit rough. I was doing a Vancouver turn out of Toronto. It was one of those days... no time for breakfast in the a.m., and having realized that I had undoubtedly forgot my lunch at the crash pad because of the ungodly hour in which I had to be at the airport to check in. (Obviously, right?! ) ... After 5-1/2 hours crossing the country in a plane, I was starving!! Craving a "warm-ish" meal, normally, I would do the classic Sushi run in Vancouver. Instead I decided to stop at the only place that didn't have a long line and served something warm... Subway! So I grab my chicken on brown and hightailed it back to the plane before boarding started without me. Then I see the sign for Starbucks...Oooh boy! I reason with myself that I do have another 5 hours until I get back to Toronto and I could really do with the caffeine boost. So wild-eyed I jumped in the line for Starbucks and freak out the Barista/cashier when I speak faster then her and her "jacked up on caffeine" colleagues normally do. I grabbed my order and start sprinting to the boarding gate. I get onboard to find the in-charge, a male in his 40's, good looking, and a stunning "stew". This Stew was probably in her early 60's but looked like she was from the 60's. Very stylish, very glam... took a lot of pride in her appearance but without looking like Joan Rivers. I introduce myself to both of them and realize the type of aircraft we are on; an A320. We're missing someone!? I tell the in-charge through bites of my sandwich how worried I was about being late, but I can see now I'm not the last one to get on. He tells me that *Laura will be back soon and that she just ran to get herself a coffee "Laura's not in a very good mood..." he adds. The stunning stew and in-charge look at each other, asking the other with squinted eyes if they should take me into their confidence. Finally the in-charge says "Their was a little incident with *Bonnie and Laura on the flight in", he says slowly. "It was hardly an incident" Bonnie grumbles under her breath. The in-charge continues; "Laura was working in business and Bonnie came up to help her give out papers and hang coats...". Bonnie jumps up "I was just trying to help for goodness sakes!! I was going around and collecting coats to hang up and to make my life easier I was carrying the hangers and tags with me. Laura came out of the galley to offer headsets and as I walked back to the closet with a coat laura dropped a headset and bent over to pick it up. I didn't even know what had happened until she started screaming 'STOP STOP don't move.... OUCH!' ".

Turns out that as Laura bent over to pick up the runaway headset she exposed, to the whole first class cabin (over the top of her pants), a giant waistband to a Pink thong. As Bonnie was passing she accidentally hooked her, yes "her", as in her thong and kept walking toward the closet causing Laura to scream out in pain and Bonnie to wonder what the heck was going on. When Bonnie looked down, she was mortified. She unhooked her hanger and looked up toward the passengers in the cabin to see if anyone had noticed. Had they noticed? They all sat there staring agog. The pair of flight attendants, beet red, stood there paralyzed. Laura took off to hide herself in the galley while Bonnie slid back down the aisle muttering "... simple mistake..." and "...who the hell wears those things anyway...?"

As Bonnie finishes up telling me about this hilarious tragedy, I sit there with my mouth hanging open but before I can utter a single word or question, Laura walks onboard white paper cup in hand. She looks rabid. She eyes me, takes a sip of her coffee, and walks toward the group. Bonnie stares at the floor. The atmosphere felt like when two people have a steamy one night 'rendez-vous' and one does not call the day after... or for years. I stand there wondering if I should break the silence by introducing myself. I open my mouth but no words come out. Now I'm standing there frozen with my mouth half open and I look semi-retarded. Bonnie speaks... we all wish she hadn't. "Do you... do you always wear that kind.. well type of underwear??" Her innocent curiosity makes me almost spit-laugh.

Hmmmmm, welcome to the age gap at 35,000 ft!

Next blog : Hong Kong bound. You speak English, the passengers speak Cantonese... No problem!

*Names have been made up, not to hide the actual peoples identity... but just because I don't remember their real ones!

1st blog... be gentle!

*I've been thinking a lot about blogging recently. Actually it's a persistent, all consuming thought that won't get out of my head. Hopefully I will be able to relieve this annoyance today by jotting down a couple of thoughts.*

I've been reading a lot of fellow flight attendant blogs recently, and it seems like it's all the same stuff, "10 Amazing packing tips!" "People who try to score a seat in 1st class!" "How to easily and efficiently navigate an international airport!" "Bizzar-o Passengers!!" and more. And while I, like everyone else, would love to know the oh so magical secret of packing the perfect bag (which according to one news paper article is by starting off wrapping your underwear around something solid like a cosmetics kit and then progressively adding other articles of clothing such as t-shirts, sweaters and finally pants to the now humungous distended roll, and finally putting said bulky roll of fabric in your suitcase. Can you imagine how colossal that roll would be if you were going on a trip for 3 weeks?! The newspaper article points out, that the one design flaw with this idea is that if before you reach your destination, you need to retrieve any article of the clothing it my be "slightly complicated.") and I, along with my fellow blogging F/A's also detest the presumptuous, cheeky people who try to smooth talk us into a plushier seat then the one they paid half the price for, think that sometimes the guy with the "back problem", or the couple on their "honeymoon", aren't all bad guys!

I also find myself pouring over these so called "guides" and "tips" to navigating gigantic airports/customs/and security when really, isn't it as simple as following the "Claim baggage" signs to find the exit. Declaring ALL your cigarettes and wine, from encountering a nasty customs agent with a rubber glove. And taking off your belts and shoes and grinning through clenched teeth as the obese airport security guard gingerly taps your bottom with his metal detector??! Finally, when it comes to "Bizzar-o passengers" I don't need to read and therefore re-live other people's unimaginable nightmares of dealings with other so called humans! I've experienced way to many of these scenarios of my own! Seems harsh, I know, but how else do you suggest I classify a so called "evolved human life form" who in a drunken stupor, falls asleep and precedes to urinate all over himself, soaking the seat, the seatbelt and the carpet all around him?

No. You know what? These stories, blogs and guides posted on blogs by my fellow F/A's are great. They are witty, cheeky, unassuming and almost always completely truthful. I just feel that maybe they can get redundant? I, on the other hand would "j'adore" (as commonly used by my bff Michelle and myself) to take you on a literary adventure of similar comic strengths featuring however, a different subject in point other then the "fill in the blank-adjective" passenger, and instead replacing them for a different case in point... The Cabin Crew themselves!

On an average day I fly with 5-6 different people. Many of whom I've never met before and will most likely never meet again. Potentially once a month I come across maybe one looney passenger. On the flip side, almost everyday that I go to work I come across another "stew" who is a piece of work!

Now, come along my little pasajeros as i take you on a fun-filled undertaking of the world that is 35,000 feet over your head, ruled by lunatics of the finest proportions!

Stay tuned to my next blog that will be entitled "Young stew, Old stew, a Thong and a Hanger!" Buckle up, we may experience some moderate turbulence!